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Is god still an Englishman……….?????

Photo: Anonymous

By Didar Ali

“Our work is righteous and it shall endure,” said Lord Curzon, the Viceroy of India, advising his Englishmen to leave behind “a sense of manliness or moral dignity, where it did not before exist.” According to the Viceroy, this was “the Englishman’s justification” for ruling India.

Such smugness made the great Irish playwright, George Bernard Shaw, protest, almost a century ago: “The ordinary Britisher imagines that God is an Englishman.”

But, here is the bad news for our old pals. Didn’t get it?? Never mind! This bad news is for our white, bright Englishmen, that God is no more English; he has now become a Pakistani.

Pakistani? When? Where?  ….. Oh!! Come on, wait, how???? (A Britisher might ask himself)

Hushhhhhhh!!! Don’t you know? Sadly neither do I, but only rare virtuous, pious and authentic Pakistani knows.

According to them, the divinity has grown long beard, wears Shalwar-Kamiz and turban. He carries Kalashnikov; a gift from the Russian inventor Mikhail Kalashnikov. He doesn’t like shirts, pants, coat and tie anymore. There are very few holy places where the deity lives and has made friends with some pure souls, only a few close buddies.

According to the pure souls like Zidi Humid, Oreo Biscuit Jan, Samsar Akasi, the dying evangelist Maneuver Panday and many others,  it’s vindicated to murder regular army of this demesne and its Haram to call them Shaheed but the butchers, NO! I mean the holy-troops are true Shaheed.

According to the holy-mercenaries, the million slayed filthy social animals, is a sacred job to reach paradise. One can enjoy shots of Red, Black and Blue Labels in Paradise made for these pious dudes. Not only shots, one will get fountains of these brands, and creeks of beers, red and white wine will be flowing along their gardens.

Oo ya!! These all are Haram here in this part of the world, but according to these noble dudes, child molesters are free to enjoy far as Hoors are not available in this tedious World. During their Holy war, they are allowed to take virgin warriors along and it’s not bad (according to their doctrine) if they turn pregnant without marriage.

But dating a girlfriend is Haram and talking with her over Facebook, Skype, Viber and even ooVoo is also Haram and the punishment is stoning to death.

The other gift, one can get after heinous butcheries, I mean killing bad guys only, is beautiful Hoor of paradise- many in numbers.

Sorry to other boring, humanoid and peace loving Muslims of this land; they will be sent to hell, where they will be treated like slaves and served with hot water, and expired Shezan juices on special occasions.

There will be huge fire all around, round-the-clock and these boring, bad Muslims will cry for air conditioners and Pak-Fan. They will be sweating like pigs and no one will be there to provide them Rose Petal napkins to dry their sweat, but rather will be served with scotchbrite.

If George Barnerd Shaw was alive, he would have said like this; “Every mad Pakistani believes that god is a Paki man.” 

Didar loves to write about arts, culture, philosophy and tourism. He is also a cultural critic. He blogs at OINOMANCY. He can be reached at alee_st@yahoo.com

The views expressed by the writer, the reader comments, the perceptions, opinions, beliefs, and attitudes expressed through this blog are those of individuals and participating users, and are not necessarily aligned with the views, policies, standards, and practices of Mountain TV.

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